One Year Ago Today

One year ago today I found out I was pregnant.  We had tried and tried and tried to get pregnant, and finally got help from a good friend who happens to be a fertility specialist.  We had been seeing Dr. Heard for several months and hadn't had any luck yet.  I had taken Clomid in January and February with no pregnancy, and I was hesitant to continue treatment in March; I didn't want a December baby!  How unfair is that?!?  I always told myself if I had a choice I wouldn't have a December baby.  But I was afraid if I skipped a month of treatment it would be too hard to go back to it.  I was so overwhelmed with weekly appointments, and blood draws, and ultrasounds, and ovulation prediction tests, and timing, and disappointment, if I lost my momentum I knew I couldn't start it all over again.  I was feeling cynical about the whole thing, too, and told myself I probably wouldn't get pregnant in March anyway.  I was also certain if I skipped March, I'd get pregnant with twins in April and still end up with December babies.  As I was telling myself I probably wouldn't get pregnant (in order to make it hurt less if I didn't), I was also resigning myself to the fact that I would probably end up with a Christmas baby.  We also decided to add  intrauterine insemination (IUI) to the mix to increase our chances.  Hello December baby.

The way my cycle fell that month, we were set to do the IUI on March 16, making Den's birthday the day we were supposed to come back for the pregnancy test.  For those of you who have been down the road of infertility, I don't have to explain how long the Two Week Wait can seem, and for those of you who don't know what the Two Week Wait is, count yourselves lucky!  It's the two weeks between ovulation and when you can take a pregnancy test.  There aren't any doctor appointments.  There aren't any blood draws.  There (usually) isn't any medicine to take.  There isn't anything you can do other than WAIT!  And it can really suck.  You try not to obsess and you try not to over analyze each little symptom that you may or may not be having, but chances are, the question of "am I pregnant" pops into your head countless times every day.  And that makes a negative pregnancy test hurt.  I cried after each negative pregnancy test I took.  And each month that went by with another negative test I cried harder and harder.  Not exactly what I wanted to do for Den's birthday.  We decided I should take a home test early, just to get any hysterics out of the way so we could both enjoy his birthday.

All that exposition to get to this:

I was still asleep when Dennis left for work that morning.  I wasn't even sure I was going to take the test that day.  How early is too early?  I didn't want to end up with a negative test from taking it too soon, but wanted to give myself enough time between the test and his birthday, just in case.  I woke up earlier than usual, and almost on a whim, decided to "pee on the stick."  I set it on the edge of the tub to develop and went for my morning coffee.  I almost forgot I even took the test.  Maybe because I was up earlier than usual, but I forgot to set the timer on my phone to go back and check it.  I had my coffee, and started to play with one of the cats, when I remembered I needed to check the test.  I took a deep breath and readied myself for only one pink line.

I walked into the bathroom and I saw this:


I wasn't sure if my eyes were playing tricks on me.  Was that a second line?  Was I seeing this right?  I was up pretty early, and definitely still had blurry morning vision. Was I actually seeing a second line, or did I just want to see a second line.  I squinted.  I held the test close to my eyes, then far away.  I looked at it under different lighting.  I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes and looked again.  And again.  I kept coming to the same conclusion:  a second line was visible.  But what did that mean???

Wait....what?

Was I pregnant?  What?  I am pregnant?  Really?!?  Pregnant?  Like, for real, real?  Not for play, play?  Pregnant???  Wow.  Ummmmm....I better get a second opinion.

I called Dennis.

J:  Morning, honey.
D:  Morning.  You're up early.
J:  Yeah.  Couldn't sleep.
D:  How's your morning?
J:  Well........I *think* I might be pregnant.  I mean.  Things are looking like a second pink line, but I'm not sure.  I don't know.  I mean.  It looks like a second line, but I'm not sure if it's there or if I just want it to be there, ya know?
D:  It's probably there.  That's what happens when you try to get pregnant.  You get pregnant.
J:  True.  Can I send you a pic of it?  Tell me what you think. {sends pic}
D:  Yeah.  I think you're pregnant.
J:  Is there such thing as false positive?  We'd better go in for the blood test.  I don't want to get my hopes up yet.
D:  Call the doc.  See if you can get in today.

Two hours later we were in the doctor's office.  I had peed about thirty times between getting of  the phone with Den and walking in the office.  They wanted me to take another "pee on the stick" test as well as a blood draw.  I told them I was out, and they pumped me full of water.  Fifteen minutes later I was taking another test.  Only this one wasn't as accurate, and I knew we wouldn't see a second line.  All that peeing and all that water in my system wasn't going to allow enough pregnancy hormone to concentrate in my bladder for the test to detect.  Dennis, the physician's assistant, the phlebotomist, the receptionist, and I all waited for that second line.  We watched the test.  We squinted our eyes.  We held it near and far, and just couldn't tell if there was a line or not.  I was told not to get my hopes up and that the blood test would tell us for sure.  They'd call as soon as they found out.

If I thought the Two Week Wait was bad, the Four Hour Wait was even worse.  I went to work and thought I was going to jump out of my skin waiting for The Call.  And I had to act all natural, like nothing was going on, because I didn't want to tell anyone yet (someone deserves a Best Actress nomination for that day).  Of course, I was with a client when The Call came in, and I had to wait even longer....I was dying!!!!  And, of course, they didn't just leave me a message saying yea or neigh, they wanted me to call them back.  I just wanted to know for sure already!!!!!  I called them back and the physician's assistant was with a patient and had to call me back.  This phone tag was killing me!!!  Finally, FINALLY, we got on the phone together.  She said, "We got the results from your blood test in."  Anndddddd?  "You're pregnant.  Come in in two weeks for an ultrasound to confirm."

I called Dennis.

J:  Hi, honey.
D:  Well?
J:  We're pregnant.
D:  Yeah, I thought so.

I really thought I'd be screaming, crying, and jumping up and down at this point, but I was calm.  And happy.  And content.

I was pregnant.  With a December baby.  For Den's birthday.  Finally.


4 comments

  1. Oh wow, thanks for sharing this! It always fills me with joy when people who really want children but can't, eventually do!!! what a lucky baby :)

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    1. Thank you. Not many people talk openly about infertility; it's much more common than people think. I decided to share our story, in my little corner of the internet, to hopefully show that infertility isn't anything to be ashamed of or embarrassed about. It's just another thing that some people have to deal with.

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  2. I just saw your link from the Houston Bloggers FB group and I absolutely LOVE this post! Me & the hubs have been trying to become pregnant and i've been through months of ovulation tests hoping that those will lead to a positive pregnancy test! SOO glad to hear that you received your miracle!

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    1. Thanks! At first trying can be a lot of fun (lol), and then it can get really stressful, so I know how you feel! Good luck, and don't hesitate to see a doctor if you think you may need help. Making the decision to seek help is scary (what if things really don't work out???), but so worth it!

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