I confess: I have a cousin who is competing to go to the Rio Olympics. I'm super proud of them and excited and hopeful and I want to share my feelings and talk about them, but I don't feel like I can because I barely know them (and am purposely being super vague and trying to avoid pronouns). Why? Because I'm practically estranged from that side of the family (estranged isn't the right word - more like I'm a non-factor in that side of the family's lives - I didn't grow up with them, only saw them once a year as a kid, haven't been able to visit in years, and virtually have no contact with any of them). In fact, there's such an age gap between me and this cousin that when I did visit we didn't really interact at all, so they're a practical stranger. And whenever I want to talk about them, it feels like I'm just a name dropper.
I confess: Even though I don't really know them and they've never been a big part of my life (or me theirs), I really miss everyone on that side of my family and I really wish I knew them better. The side of my family that I did grow up with is now horribly and irreparably broken and has some major estrangements and hatred within it and I can't help but feel left out and jealous when I look at how close the other side of my family is. When I feel like a glutton for punishment, I'll look at their Facebook pages and see family photos where everyone is close and happy to be together and feel totally cheated out of having that kind of family experience.
I confess: Dennis came home this morning to me a teary-eyed mess because whenever I think about how much I miss that side of my family and how unfair it is that my side of the family is so broken I can't help but cry about it. I try to avoid looking at their Facebook pages because I'm pretty much guaranteed to feel a little broken-hearted about it all. I was also upset because I tried to watch my cousin's Olympic trial online yesterday and because we don't have cable I couldn't access the live stream, so I missed it. I already feel like I'm missing out on so much with that side of the family and yet again, I get to read about something on Facebook that I missed. I'm just really a mess today.
Linking up with United States of Becky